Thursday, March 01, 2007

Out of the 16 yrs of my life, ive never felt like ive known my sisters as well as i have tonight. ive never seen her opening up as much as tonight, crying like it was right from the bottom of her heart. how saddening someone who was the most cheerful, most humorous and interesting one out of the three of us can turn into someone so depressed and dark. like any light of joy was taken out of her. it got me depressed looking at her like that. the way she consoled her or more like lectured her showed me how much she's been through and how strong she actually is. i feel the guilt for thinking she was just purely depressed, emo. not knowing how tough life was for her, sometimes even blaming and mocking her. i feel so ashamed. it wasnt anything abt the outside, being skinny or looking pretty. it was the damaged self-confidence and the 10 yrs of mockery she had to face. now the same thing's happening to her. i simply cannot say that i understand because i do not. i havent been through what they've been through and havent felt the pride thats been hurt. people are often so quick to judge and comment. but whatever one has to criticise abt another, is simply to cover up their own insecurities. noone is perfect, everyone is different. and if we keep harping on how one part of us is not as good as someone else, or how we try to change sth thats not within our control. there's no way we can ever be happy. dont we all wanna be happy? yes, sometimes pointing our fingers to say sth might be just a joke as many wld say. but have we ever thought of the consequences behind the words we say? the degree of hurt thats been inflicted on that person. if friends are those who hurt/judge/manipulate and try to change you, then they are not your true friends. live life the way you want to, not the way everyone's living it. life lessons ive learnt today, i felt like she was mitch albom really. i see her in a different light today and i respect her so much more, for who is is happy to be. herself.

Caught in the carousel ride @ 8:28 AM

Friday, January 05, 2007

#1 jealousy
#2 over-dependence
#3 insecurity
#4 dissapointment
#5 hatred

i never knew i cld feel so much for someone. the revelation of emotions over 6 yrs, has it been worth it? noone likes to be a bitch, but it seems you've turned me into one. no blame on you really, i dont think you've realised the consequences of your actions.

i miss all the times we were tight as a dead knot. literally dead. i cldnt imagine my life without you. even though i was in a blur of what you were actually doing, i was happy. blindly happy. so now that ive found out things, good or bad i wonder, shld i allow things to go back to the way it was?

i feel bad bitching abt you. but i still do. youre probably the only person i feel bad bitching abt, not that everthings not true. but instead because everythings real, hardcore facts.

i feel sorry for you, because as youre dwelling in the your limelight, i think youve failed to realise that the other side of the world hates you. i wanna help you, but i cant seem to put down the many times you've deceived and made use of me. who wldnt have felt the anger, im amazed by my tolerance level really. but at the same time, i havent forgotten the good side of you. though i even have doubts abt that, i choose to believe that there's still a part of you that i know.

our relationship confuses me now really. what are we, friends of convenience? so everythings just fake and to our benefit? or is there still sth worth treasuring? i doubt ill ever know.

lets just see where the future takes us.

Caught in the carousel ride @ 8:58 PM

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

is god trying to make a fool out of me, seriously.
i thought i saw a straight route in front of me
but apparently there are so many turns and i still havent gotten to my destination.
its all just a round about.
i wonder when ill actually reach.

it scares me how things can be so unfair sometimes
how you think you've got everything planned but instead it all just doesnt go your way.

the future is unpredictable
wld i be able to face whats coming my way?
the uncertainty is killing
it definitely aint easy to live without regrets.
ive learnt my lesson

Caught in the carousel ride @ 5:33 AM

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

i used to wonder.
how cld yall be so close so quickly, stay close.
then break it off and become enemies all at once
but now i realise.
why that was all possible.

you get all tipsy, drunk(?) , fool ard.
mess with peoples hearts, mess with their minds.
claim its all your alter ego
but im telling you its you, its always been you.
act, deny, lie, repeat.
do you realise what youre doing?
i wish i cld pour a tub of piping hot water over you

so many people told me abt how grossed out they were looking at you in clubs.
but i think twice on believing.
why wld i believe someone else but my bestie right?
but then again, it happened right before my eyes once.
and all of it happening again, doesnt seem so unbelievable anymore.

yknow what, just call me when youre sober.

Caught in the carousel ride @ 11:36 PM

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

i guess ill just keep the close ones even closer.
and for those who arent worth it, ill just forget.
might be easier said than done, but ill do it.

things are going so great between us. but thats what worries me, is this what i really want? are am i just deceiving myself like how ive been the whole time? till now im still unsure. but ill just go with the flow, because id never bring myself to hurt you. hopefully ill actually truthfully fall and know it at the end of the day. i love you, i believe?

Eh Listen baby, I don't wanna ruin your plan
But if you got a man, try to lose him if you can
Cause the girls real wild throw they hands up high
When they wanna come and kick it wit a stand up guy
You don't really wanna let the chance go by
Cause you ain't been seen wit a man so fly

Caught in the carousel ride @ 10:42 PM

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

it was me
it is supposed to be me
well i guess i just got used it all being abt me

is god trying to make a fool outta me or what, i really do wonder. is this a downright competition or just some joke youre playing on me. i gotta say, its definitely not funny.

your success always seems to be at the expense of me. and it has to happen right in my face. !$%^&^$#@! it just crushes the confidence in me, i dont even feel me anymore. this is turning me into someone ive always been afraid of, like my evil alter ego or sth. this hatred, jealousy, sense of betrayal.

the jealousy you felt turned you into this, and now it turns ard to hit me. but no. im never gonna allow that side of me to surface. never. no matter how strong the emotions are, no matter how desperate it gets. i dont wanna be that kind of a person. i am not that kind of a person. at least im sure abt that. just keep in mind that someday. everyone's gonna find out. who you really are, what you've been doing. that wld be D-day.

yknow what, this is probably just gonna stay here. cos i doubt you'll never know how im feeling abt all this. but then again, i wont blame you. everything's just a pretty picture for you, isnt it. we'll go back to "supposed" reality and say, OH. WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.

sometimes i wish fate wld help tear us apart so i wont be stuck in this cycle anymore, because you are, as a matter of fact, essential to me, and i wont be able to bring myself to break free from you. is it even a good or bad thing?

i wish i was a guy.

Caught in the carousel ride @ 8:37 AM

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be....
a murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Our Love... his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore

the feeling that im getting
just cant be explained
feels like loneliness
but how can that be when i have friends
maybe things will get better after os
im just hoping
stick with me will ya.

to think im dreading the one thing that ive been looking forward to all my life.
PROM.
whats the world coming to
whats my life turning into
what have i become
i ponder.